“I didn’t know where to turn,” Dakota’s mom told the investigator. “So, I shared my concerns with my priest. He listened carefully and without interrupting. When I was done, he told me he was glad I’d come to him and that he would support me. The priest told me we were both mandated reporters and sat with me to make the call to Department of Family Services.”
That morning, 6-year-old Dakota told his mom that her husband, Dakota’s stepdad, had been coming into Dakota’s room at night. “Most nights, he comes in after I’m asleep, gets under the covers, and we cuddle. Like me and dad used to before the divorce.” Dakota was growing increasingly uncomfortable with his stepdad’s behavior and finally worked up the courage to tell his mom.
Recently, after quietly getting into bed with Dakota, his stepdad would pull out his phone. Drawing Dakota to him and putting his arm around Dakota, they would watch his phone together. This quickly became “their secret” because Dakota isn’t allowed to have his phone in his room at night. “We took turns picking what to watch. I’d pick anime or cartoons, and stepdad would pick sports or dumb “girl” movies about people falling in love and stuff.” It felt good to have a secret. Dakota missed his dad, who lives in another state. “Having something for just the two of us made me think we were close.”
One night, his stepdad pulled up a new cartoon that Dakota had never seen. “It was weird. No one had any clothes on, and it wasn’t funny. They just did … well, stuff.” Dakota asked to watch something else, but his stepdad insisted they finish watching the naked cartoon. After it was over, Dakota turned away from his stepdad and tried to go to sleep. “My stepdad was moving around and breathing loud. I stayed really still and pretended like I was asleep.” Eventually, his stepdad got up and left.
This became the routine: after watching a naked cartoon or show he would roll over and pretend to sleep while his stepdad “moved around a little and breathed loud.” Dakota’s sleep became disrupted. He stayed awake, worrying his mom would find out and he would get in trouble for having a phone after bedtime. He had dreams that his mom came into his room and found him watching “inappropriate things.”
Many perpetrators of sexual abuse begin grooming, or manipulating, a child by introducing seemingly innocent behaviors, like spooning at bedtime. Asking the child to keep a secret enlists the child’s silence and implies it’s not safe to tell. Over time, perpetrators increase the level of inappropriate behavior that may include pornography and sexual touching. The child may have concerns, but his or her sense of danger is often eroded by the gradual increase of inappropriate behavior and the position of authority or trust the perpetrator holds.
In Dakota’s case, the pressure of not telling became too great. He told Marky, his best friend at school. “Marky said I was going to get in big trouble if my mom found out, so I had better tell her. He said he always got in more trouble if his mom found out first. So, I waited until my stepdad left for work and I told her. Mom wasn’t as mad as I thought she was going to be. She told me my stepdad shouldn’t have been showing me those things and, if anyone was in trouble, it was him. Then she hugged me and took me to school.”
While Dakota is the hero of his story, the priest played a supporting role by being available to Dakota’s mom and knowing how to respond to her concerns. The Children’s Advocacy Project provides training on a variety of topics related to body safety, and recognizing and reporting child abuse and neglect, and are age and developmentally appropriate. These trainings are conducted for community and private organizations, churches, and daycares.
In the state of Wyoming, all adults are mandated to report any reasonable suspicion of abuse to law enforcement and/or Department of Family Services. After receiving the report, an investigator contacted Dakota’s mom and conducted a precursory interview, determining that a forensic interview should be scheduled that same day. “Mom picked me up from school and we went to talk to some people. I told them about the shows. I was worried I was going to get in trouble, but they were really nice. It felt good to tell somebody. When it was done, we went to stay with my Nana. That’s where we’ve been living.”
Dakota’s mom says she is breathing easier knowing she doesn’t have to do this alone. “Making that first call with my priest made it easier to take the next steps. I called Dakota’s grandmother and asked if we could stay with her for a while. Then I called my best friend, who told me she would be by my side through this. An investigation was opened, and both Dakota and I are in counseling. My husband and I are divorcing.”